Melancholy: A Feeling of Thoughtful Sadness

What if age wasn't a factor? If we didn't celebrate (or mourn) birthdays, mark calendars, or pay attention to clocks? What if we just followed the sun and the seasons and didn't keep track of the weeks, months, and years in-between?

What if we stopped asking, "How old are you?" and instead asked,"Who are you? What do you like? What makes you laugh? What are your dreams?"

I'll be 34 on Tuesday and in about two weeks Elias turns three. But what if I didn't know this so I couldn't compare our accomplishments to others of the same age? Couldn't despair that we seem to be falling farther and farther behind. At least in the pecking order of milestones as related to years lived.

I know far less than I once did. And underneath my bravado I feel less capable.

Something shifted the day Elias arrived four months premature. My body failed me. And I failed my son.

It doesn't matter how strong or influential the intellectual argument against this sense of inadequacy is because my feelings aren't reasonable. Its a strange mix, this brew of strength and impotency, that ferments in my psyche. On the one hand I feel like I can survive anything now and on the other I can't even complete small tasks like returning emails, cooking dinner, or organizing my desk.

Sometimes my balance matches my son's.

Yesterday I lay on the couch unable to do anything but read an article in O Magazine about couples who fall in love despite a wide age gap. I'm five years older than Nick so though the story focused on people with a generation between them, it piqued my interest when nothing else in my life did.

"What would you like to do?" Nick asked me as I sat staring into space.

"Nothing," I replied.

Nick went outside to put distance between him and my nothingness. I finished the article and lay looking at all the projects I could do while Elias napped.

Its hard being a grown up.

After three weeks in my parents house, I want to be a child again with dinners cooked by Mom and evening fires stacked and lit by my Dad.

I want to be that kid who believed I could do anything if I tried hard enough.

Not the woman who doesn't trust herself to carry something through. Full term.

On January 16th, 1973, the shopping mall across from the Waterbury Hospital burned to the ground. And my mom delivered me, her second child and first daughter, into the world.

Ashes on one side of the street and birth on the other.

I can't go back in time through the months and years that have turned me into the woman who sits here drinking red wine trying to make sense of intangibles.

All I can do is be honest about who I have become, forgive all the inconsistencies, and love deeply despite it all.

Comments

[Krystal Kompkoff]

Seems that no matter how many times we tell ourselves that we can't make sense out of something, we still need to just sit and try. Our lives may end without it making sense. But I think the important thing is that we make the best of it most of the time. And grieve some of the time and worry a lot along the way. Then regroup and make the best of it again.

You worry that your posts aren't inspirational. They are, they remind us that we are human and its ok to bounce around from one emotion to another.

[Jen]

I feel like this so often. I thought it was just me. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone.

[Deidre]

Huge hugs from far away. I can't take your pain away, and I won't pretend to know what you are feeling, going through, or the reality of living in it every day, but I love you.
D

[That Girl]

I know how you feel. I wish I could hug you. The only thing that ever relieved me from that feeling was having a conversation with a group of women friends. We were talking about our pregnancies, abortions, and miscarriages.
One woman told us that deep down she is convinced that she had a late-term miscarriage because when she was in high school she told her boyfriend that she was pregnant to keep him from breaking up with her. She retracted it the next day, but was irrationally convinced that her "crime" was punished.
As if lying and losing a loved pregnancy were somehow equal crimes.
All I could think was that we are strong, brave, women who were not born into the kind of patriarchal society of mothers marched against and yet we have internalized the blame society no longer lays at our feet. Punishing ourselves for our failure to be perfect and affect the outcomes of things beyond our control.
Hearing other women admit their inner demons made me more able to forgive myself. And recognize it.
I was convinced that celbrating my birthday while I was pregnant would bring harm upon the baby and I was mad for at least a year that people did not listen.
Im pretty sure it would have happened anyway and a bunch of balloons did not cause it but I was mad for a year.
I hope you learn to forgive yourself. Until then I send you rays of peace from Jersey.

[Mom and Dad]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY! We loved you as a child and, believe it or not, when you were a teenager and today we love the woman you have become. You are an inspiration to many and a wonderful wife to Nick and an extroardinary Mother to Elias. Elias is a happy, good natured child due to the love that you and Nick have for him You have so many wonderful qualities, please don't question yourself! Cheer up!
Love, Mom and Dad

[Robbin]

I am 42 - and six years older than my husband. I understand how big those years can seem at times, but it narrows as the years pass. Sometimes these dayse it is he that says "nothing", and I have to go find an outlet for the energy.

I have a friends who passed through the same thoughts - their son was premature, growth-restricted, and Down Syndrome. They went through a lot of what-ifs - "what if we hadn't waited so late?" "What if we hadn't smoked before we got pregnant?" "What if..." Watching them suffer made me feel pangs of guilt when I delivered my small-but-"normal" son at 40 years old. I almost felt it should have been me, with the odds against me anyway, rather than my friends, who had no "reason" to be going through this.

Parental guilt is a strange beast. I remember how I felt that I was a failure as a parent when Katrina hit. I mean, here my son was only 2 months old, and we were homeless. I could not protect him. I realize these were things outside my control, but I felt like a failure as a mother because I couldn't take the bad things out of his life.

All we can do for our children is love them first. All else follows behind.

[Dena Hinrichs]

I'm a little late, but better late than never they say. You're an inspiration to a fellow YIN mom. Hope to meet you again, and I'll keep reading.

[Kathy]

Happy Birthday Christy! We love you so very much. You are a wonderful mother to Elias. You have given him so much love, confidence and joy. Just look at those smiles!
Celebrate!
Love, Kathy and Bruce

[paige]

Oh Christy. You've got the parent guilt that comes with the job...no matter where your child is along the spectrum of "normal".

The fact is, you can't protect them from everything. From reading your blog posts, though, I can tell you that you ARE protecting your child...you are equipping him to live in the world as a compassionate, lively and interesting person.

And heaven knows, we always need as many of THOSE as we can get!

Be kind to yourself, my dear. All the experiences in your life have combined to make a pretty wonderful person. This parenting gig...it's a learn on the job position. And since every kid and every family is different, we can only help each other so far.

I appreciate, always, that you are so honest in this blog. This is the real life stuff and it's hard to share it.

It will be better. I promise you that it will. The guilt and fear never goes away completely, but you can befriend it, banish it to the background.

Hang in, Christy. Hug Elias, hug Nick. Hang in.

[elizabeth]

I've seen first-hand what an amazing mom you are -- and I already knew how incredible you are as a woman and a friend.

Happy Birthday Christy!!! We love you!!

[Susan]

Happy birthday!!! Erin turned 35 on Sunday and said to tell you "Happy Birthday ... I knew I liked her for a reason!" Be gentle with yourself, dear ... you truly do inspire us. You are one of my parenting heroes.

[Kyla]

Happy (belated) birthday! Man, Christy...you are an amazing mother. You are an inspiration to people following in your footsteps. Some of us are in similar situations to your even though our bodies were able to carry to term. The doctor's theory is that KayTar has lesions in her brain because I caught a cold during my pregnancy...maybe we wouldn't be where we are if my immune system had been a little stronger. There are things out of our control...but it doesn't make you any less of a wonderful person, or any less of a SPECTACULAR mother. When ever you need reminding of that...we will all be here, reminding you.

[angie]

Happy Belated Birthday Christy,
I also have the "mommy guilt" all of the time. I just wish that I knew the WHY!! Is that so difficult....yes it is!! It is something we will never know. Why does the drug addict have a perfectly healthy baby, while I was the healthiest that I could possibly be and my child needed a liver transplant....and she has other issues on top of it? It makes no sense. If I hear one more person say that "God gives special kids to special people" I just might explode! Although I completely agree that Emma was meant to be mine....it doesn't help me to hear those comments.

OK, enough of my rant. I just want to let you know that you are not alone! I think about you and sweet Elias a lot....even though I only know you through Cyberspace:). Without internet mommas to guide me along this journey I think that I would go crazy:)! I'm here for you! YOu are a great Mommy!! You are an inspiration to me:)!

[Heather]

Another special needs mother that I know (young, with 3 kids, one with severe nervous system disability) said "It is what it is, we either accept it or run away." Sometimes staying and accepting it makes us want to run away- either to guilt, depression whatever way our minds have decided to turn. This too will pass. It is a struggle to not compare and not to feel bad about the comparision. Try comparing bratty behavior at the mall- I know my poorly walking, brace wearing, medication 2x a day, extremely large headed ball of sunshine compares favorably to the other two year olds out there (especially the "normal" ones!)

[linda]

I sympathize! Those are such familiar feelings... I wish, too, that there was less emphasis on age and achievement. Unfortunately, doctors use those for comparison - they have little choice, I guess. But I see Elias as a little miracle, a beating heart and a bright mind inside a frail-appearing body. But he's survived so much, and see how far he's come! And as grownups, we measure ourselves by what we think we should have accomplished by certain milestones - but "life is what happens while we're making other plans". Achievements can sometimes be seen only by looking back to see the pattern of our lives. Persevere, Christy! We're with you.

[Christy]

I don't quite know how to respond to all your words except to read them again and again... You are all so insightful and so very kind.

Happy Birthday 2 days late. Being a grownup is hard some days. I have 2 kids that are essentially adults themselves now and I still struggle with the grownup and parenting stuff. I have a button my backpack that says cleverly disguised as a responsible adult. I am 47 myself and 13 years younger than my husband. All you can do is take it one day at a time. It sure sounds from your blog that you are doing a great job parenting your son.

[Glyn]

First of all, HAPPY BIRTHDAY (belatedly)! I hope it was a good one, spent with those you love. (I'm sorry, I started this Tuesday night, and "things came up," so I didn't finish, and then yesterday had other reasons not to get to it).

Reading your words every day is part of my routine, something I need to do, and I feel like I'm reading what I could have written (were I as eloquent as you are!) most of the time. I make it almost every day to read your blog, and if I miss a day or two (for whatever reason), I have to catch up.

I feel as though we're like friends, almost family, in some ways, just from these last three years of sporadic communication, and now your blog. The more you write, the more I feel connected; I understand and feel the same fears! I know what you mean when you speak of knowing less, as I've been feeling that lately, as well, and wondering if I was the only one!

There's so much I want to say, and I can't think of how to say it all, so know that I understand, and think you're a wonderful wife, mother, & person, and that you can do anything, just take it in steps, even baby steps, if necessary. =)

"On the one hand I feel like I can survive anything now and on the other I can't even complete small tasks like returning emails, cooking dinner, or organizing my desk."

As you can read, I feel these, too (this comment shows how disorganized my mind is =)). I feel, with as much as we've done so far, that we can get through anything, but little things can still paralyze me. Kieran had a runny nose, no big deal, but I hear congestion in his throat, and I'm at the doctor's. I think I can accomplish a lot more than humanly possibly in a short period of time. That is, until I actually start, then I wonder what in the world I was thinking! It takes me days, even weeks to return an email (sorry!) and my whole house needs organizing!

I know Kieran and Elias are doing different things, but we both have survived the NICU to enter the outside world, and have some similar and some not-so-similar fears. The more you write, the more I see what we have in common. Your words help me feel like we're not the only ones with these feelings and fears, I just hope you don't stop writing and are willing to keep in touch, even when I'm not so good at keeping up with it as I'd like.

Oh, and I didn't know you were older than Nick! I'm 5.5 years older than my husband, and I was also born during a (national) tragedy. (I know those are extraneous, but I've been thinking very disjointedly today.)

I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone, and that we admire you and your family. Just persevere, and look at how far Elias has come in this time! It's hard to know what the future may bring, but you are all strong people, Elias will keep working and do what he wants. Enjoy him, his cheesy smile, and all of his "gross" accomplishments! =) You two are his best advocates, he couldn't have better parents.

Christy,

Happy Belated Birthday to you. I have been behind on reading this blog and miss it/you! My son Jack just turned 1. It was a big/emotional birthday for us (my husband and I). It's so funny, almost eerie, reading this post, as you state very similar feelings on your birthday that I have felt on Jack's. He spent 3 very scary and long months in the NICU. Now he is a year. He is doing well, in some areas he's "caught up" and in others', he's moving at his own pace. I was surprised to hear the tone in your entry about blaming yourself for your early birth. This hits so very close to home for me. Not a day goes by that I don't have the occasional unhealthy feelings about myself and my body and the impact I made on my son. The key word there is "unhealthy". My rational self knows that it was completely out of my control, etc. But I do continue to beat myself up about it. It's getting better with time and often depends on my mood. I look to you for inspiration and just knowing that you too sometimes experience those down moments helps me to realize in an almost theraputic sort of way that....it's not perfect, but we get through it and for the most part enjoy the journey. We are good moms and God has given us our boys for a reason, for this I am sure. By the way, I have been following your blog from the beginning and cannot believe the AMAZING PROGRESS Elias has made. He looks great, he is doing sooo many things that impress the hell out of me. Don't overlook even the small stuff. I mean, his verbal communication, his sense of humor, his curiosity, his appetite/ability to feed himself, etc. It's so hard but if you just focus on your little guy and how far he has come from his former 1 pounder beginning, I mean...it's amazing. He's made more progress in 3 years than I have in 10!!!! I believe in you and I believe in Elias. Don't stop seeing the forest through the trees, don't ever stop...because it is such a beautiful forest.

[Shrinkingmom]

Happy birthday! Mine is coming next Sunday . . . I'll be 42. I used to know everything, back in my twenties. Now, I'm just glad to be alive another year. ;)