"Everyone throws up sometimes. Mommy throws up. Daddy throws up..."
"Nana throws up," Elias adds to our list, "Papa throws up..."
"Yep and Grandma throws up. Pop throws up."
"Mary throws up...."
Usually we list our friends and family while cuddling in the rocking chair as part of our bedtime ritual: Night Night David. Night Night Audrey. Night Night Tess...
But not on this rockin' Saturday night that involved cleaning the kitchen floor, bathroom, Elias's crib and Elias after he drank milk from a chain restaurant I will not name but we believe is the culprit for his curdled belly. Instead of our comfortable chair at a reasonable hour I sat on the floor outside the bathroom, with Elias on my lap wearing only a hot pink towel after his emergency midnight bath, listing everyone we know who throws up too.
When he added names to the list, repeating his favorites--Mama throws up, Dada throws up-- I knew we were OK. Elias was just sick.
Kids get sick.
Kids throw up and it doesn't mean that spinal fluid is again being trapped in the ventricles of their brain. Throw up by itself is not usually life -threatening. But this is what happens to a mother's brain when she knows that one of the signs of increased cerebral pressure is regurgitated dinner:
He's OK. He's not OK. He's so pale. He's shaking. Should we bring him to the hospital? We need to call 911 now. No we don't. He's OK. We can handle this. He's just sick. But what if he's not just sick. What if we lose him. I can't handle this. Yes I can. Just hold him and tell him everything is going to be OK. But what if its not? What if...
This all flashes past in a matter of seconds while husband and child believe you are completely in control. And you are. Its just that your mind travels down those dead-end streets. Just in case. Call it preparatory grief or NICU flashbacks or just plain ol' parenthood but regardless of the name the dread is fleeting and does not stay for the night.
Sometime after midnight, Elias squirms from my lap and tells me he wants to crawl.
He's fine.
Truly.
And I wonder who really needed to hear that everyone throws up, him or me?
You captured it perfectly. The flashing nightmare of a simple problem and what could be.
Everyone thought I was crazy when I told them Face might have RSV - with a huge smile on my face.
I start listing all the things I'll "let" it be to ward off all the things I dread.
There is joy in a mild case of food poisoning.
Posted by: That Girl | January 22, 2007 at 04:50 AM
Harry's poo turned manila-envelope pale for three days. When I took him in, and they ran liver function tests "just to be safe", I agonized until they finally called me with the results the next afternoon. I was panicked despite the fact that Harry was born almost full-term and healthy at birth. I am voting for a combination of normal maternal angst and NICU flashback.
Posted by: Robbin | January 22, 2007 at 06:13 AM
Boy do I know what you mean. Isaac has a cough and fever and feels crummy. In my mind, trying not to panic -- "what if it's RSV? What if he is hospitalized? Can his fragile lungs handle it? How can he be so sick when we've been so careful? What about the staying at home, no being around other kids, the crazy hand-washing and sanitizing, shit, its my fault for letting him suck on the shopping cart handle after I washed it down at the grocery store!"
Turns out -- just a cold. A little wheezing, but nothing too bad. Will we ever get over this fear that something REALLY bad is still going to happen, that the other shoe is going to drop?
Posted by: Erin | January 22, 2007 at 08:07 AM
You've captured the feeling perfectly -- again -- the what if?, how do I?, what now? feeling of motherhood. Even in the midst of your personal anguish and stress, you can find the very eloquent words to share this with us and we together come back from the brink. Thank you.
Posted by: JenniferB | January 22, 2007 at 09:07 AM
That was beautiful Christy. :) And you are right, kids throw up. And Audrey throws up too...and she did on Saturday night too..*shakes head* If only curdled milk was the culprit! Anyway, I miss you guys more than you know. I found a piece of writing that I wrote when I first became such an integral part of your family and need to share it with you guys soon. Maybe in Elias' bday card...*sighs* Anyway, I really really really look forward to spending Thursday afternoon with my favorite little guy! Love you guys, and hug the babe for me.
Posted by: Audrey | January 22, 2007 at 02:20 PM
amen fellow mother! now i know i am not so crazy when the what ifs fly though my head. mothers united
Posted by: lisa l. | January 23, 2007 at 09:26 AM
That moment (or hour, or night or week) of terror feels very familiar to me. You captured it perfectly.
Posted by: paige | January 23, 2007 at 12:59 PM
Glad to know I am in such good company with all my "what if" thoughts!!!!
And Audrey, we all miss you too!
Posted by: Christy | January 24, 2007 at 02:41 PM
I'm feeling (oddly) both more and less silly for talking to my dog when she's ill. Although this blog scares the crap outta me now and then, I think in the end it gives me a braver attitude towards trying to conceive - thank you.
Posted by: Betti | January 25, 2007 at 06:40 AM
I thought I was the only one that went through all that. Every time Devon throws up, I instantly go back to increasing intracranial pressure and start making lists of what needs to be done if I have to stay in the hospital for a week (who takes the kids, who feeds the pets, do I have enough clean clothes to take with me?). Sometimes the stomach flu is a blessing.
Posted by: Heather | January 25, 2007 at 08:42 AM