First Day of School

I never use to understand these tears: the salt lines of parents on their little one's first day of school.

Especially when the child scoots so easily into the hubbub without looking back. Starts playing with push button toys and bouncing with excitement.

It starts even before we get there, when I wake him up in the morning and tell him he is going to preschool today. Prekool. Prekool. Going to prekool. So excited that he doesn't eat his cheesy eggs for breakfast. Not even a bite of the extra buttery toast he requests. Prekool. Car ride to prekool.

I dress him in a sweater with his name on it just in case he escapes from the classroom.

Just so everyone can know that this is Elias. This is my baby.

I am as anxious as he is excited. Do I have his boots? What if the teachers can't understand him? His mittens?  Will he eat there? Diapers? Will the other kids accept him? Did the teacher have time to read his Transition Portfolio (a document we and his therapists created to breathe life into the assessments and IEP)? Will he be  OK?

He is one of 8 children, two of whom do not have  "special needs" but are called, Buddy Bears, and are in the classroom as role models. It is a win win situation because they get to learn at an early age what it took me all these years to learn: that these "special needs" kids are just kids.

Elias is the only non-walker in the group. The only one who arrives with equipment. Six months younger than the only other three year old and by far the smallest kid in the room.

I stand  in the corner watching the other children watch Elias. Unsure but open.  Elias crawls from station to station exploring. He pulls himself up to standing by two bigger kids and boldly reaches for their toy. They let him play.

After a minute or so he moves on and sits  in the open area where they will meet for circle. I watch as he moves his legs out of the most stable but harmful W position and says something in his soft hoarse voice as he does so. The boy closest to him, who is already five, leans down and asks Elias what he said.

I am too far away to answer and Elias doesn't respond but I understood his words.

"Good job putting your legs out," he said, congratulating himself as we would have.

Circle time begins with the children standing and clacking sticks together to music. Miss Robin helps Elias to stand by letting him lean against her and she gently brings his hands together to the beat. Elias watches the other kids move.

When it is time to clean up the sticks, all the other preschoolers put them in a bin while Elias sits (in the w position) and hits them softly against the floor looking in the opposite direction.

The teacher for the visually impaired, who I met at the assessment and liked instantly, who will visit the classroom for a half an hour each week but told me he will spend some extra time during these initial weeks, asks Elias, "Can I help you put them away?" Elias hands his instruments over and crawls away.

The rest of the kids gather criss-cross around the circle as Elias pulls himself to standing at a nearby desk to push more buttons. The other kids look at him and look at Miss Robin.

Look at him and look at Miss Robin.

She says, "Did everyone say hello to Elias?" Varied versions of hello follow. "This is his very first day of preschool and he doesn't know yet what we do here. So all of you will have to help him learn."

The assistant teacher leaves the circle to do a puzzle with Elias and I give him a kiss goodbye. I have to fight the urge to stalk the preschool classroom by peering in through the window on my way out to my car. Instead I drive to the Coastal Trail to go for a run.

Once home, I sit in Elias's room, on his "big boy" bed, until my comforter calls me. I bury myself in.

And bawl.

When I grow tired of this, I decide to make tuna noodle casserole, my favorite dish as a little girl. As I wait for the water to boil, I turn on the computer to write an overdue email, but before I can, I need to find the man's business card, and my search for that leads to my dead cell phone, which leads to my hunt for the charger, which leads to the basement where I decide I should do laundry, which leads me back up to Elias's room until thank goodness my friend Anne calls to see if I'm alright and saves me from my manic puttering.

And then Kathy calls.

And then it is time to pick my baby up.

I get there five minutes early and he is still washing his hands from snack. His face lights up when he sees me and he crawls over to say hi.  One of the new speech therapists who works with him brings over his coat. Miss Robin says he did great. "He's a very busy guy," she says.

When I tell him its time to go he says, "No coat... No coat."

Meaning stay...stay.

Comments

[Glyn]

I'm so glad to hear it went well! I thought about you throughout the day, and even thought about calling, but wasn't sure if you'd be home. I'm glad you had some friends check on you. Sounds like Elias had fun and has good people working with him, so here's to many more successes!

[Sara]

Sounds like an excellent day all around! You did good mom ;)

[Kathy]

The first day picture is perfect. You captured his openness to the challenges and fun ahead. Each day will get a bit easier Christy. We love you all...

[Kyla]

Oh my! Elias and KayTar would get along famously. I giggled and nodded the whole way through, because he reminds me so much of her. Especially at the W sitting portion...KayTar loves her W. I thought it was great that he congratulated himself. We are ignoring the W...because if we mention "Good job!" when she isn't doing it, it reminds her that she is only accidentally not sitting that way and she immediately goes back to the W...with a vengeance.

It sounds like he did WONDERFULLY! And you held up pretty well, too. I can't imagine my KayTar ever going to school! It will be a shock to my system for sure.

[Ginny]

Oh, I know, I know. Letting your baby go, no matter their ability or disability - is so hard. Elias is going to grow and change and learn so much, and you will be so proud and happy and sad. Letting our babies go is the hardest thing we parents have to do. Congratulations and hugs to you and Elias.

[Robbin]

My son's first day in daycare coincided with a business trip for me. I agonized the whol trip.

Definitely go and watch sometime from an out-of-sight vantage point. It really helped me to realize that while I was gone, Harry was really having fun and interacting just fine. It almost made me a little sad that he didn't miss me as much as I thought. I guess you can't win for losing!

[Gina]

Congrats on the milestone! You'll both do great, it sounds like.

I've been lurking a bit (no kids yet, still feel a bit like an interloper on Club Mom- ha) but your thoughts about your memories of disabled kids from your childhood school touched me and I thought I should respond.

When I was a kid, I did some volunteering (maybe a buddy bear kind of thing) in the "handicapped room" and I remember coming home and telling my parents that it's not tice to use the word "retard" (it was the 70's). I really enjoyed the experience and it helped me be more open and accepting to differences.

Yet my brother and I would also "play retarded" at home and pretend that one of us was the caretaker, trying to "help" the goofy other, sometimes not the MOST respectful of the other's pretend "difference." I'm embarrassed when I think of it now, but I also believe we were simply fascinated by the idea that some kids were so different; it was simply mimicing, more curiousity than making fun, I think. Don't feel guilty about your past of not connecting or making fun.

I've grown up to work in special ed classrooms, and while i don't do that work right now, I think my early curiousity was actually a good introduction to working with those who are differently abled.

Embrace the difference and go forward! Elias sounds so joyful and inqisitive and just plain fun... Enjoy!

[Christy]

Gina, thank you for de-lurking to share your story it made me think. You know, I've always been over sensitive to the feelings of others and so as a girl if i was made aware of what I was doing I probably would have stopped...but I think you captured it in the idea of being intrigued by difference and copying what we saw...as well as having no true interactions. Thanks for shedding this light on shameful memories and thank you as well for your support.

And to everyone I'm so glad you are out there to celebrate this milestone with us! It is now day two, and Elias was just as excited to attend and was smiling when I peeked in the window on my way out. I couldn't resist.

No tears today:)

[Mae Ann]

Hi Christy,
Oh boy, did I feel your feelings. It is never easy to "let go" and the worries are part of the "mommy dance" that we live. Thank you so for sharing. I was wanting to call to find out how you and he did, how daddy did...in letting him become a "big boy". And you did it so well. I just had a feeling that he'd love going to yet another fun opportunity, and was so glad to hear that this fit with his agenda. Will think of you and Elias always.....both of you, and Nick have taught me so much in your sharing.
Mae Ann

[paige]

It sounds like the first day went very well! I'm so glad!

Far away here in the Mid-Atlantic, I thought about Elias and you and Nick. One of my students noticed me looking far away during our rest time. She asked me what I was thinking about and I told her I had a preschool friend who was starting school that day.

She told me that his teacher would love him and he would make new friends and not to worry.

So.

What do you say to that overwhelming confidence? I hugged her and thanked her for her thoughtfulness.

And she was right.

[Katy]

WTG Elias.
And WTG Mom--I teared up just reading this, so I can only imagine how you felt!
I wish that Elias could play with my 3yo daughter. He could learn all about My Little Ponies, and she would be fascinated with his walker. ;)

[elizabeth]

Oh Christy, I just love that you put Elias in the sweater with his name on it! I'm so happy that the first day went well -- it sounds like he has wonderful teachers and classmates. Sending you lots of love!

[amy]

When we were in the NICU, all I wanted was for my son to grow, get bigger, gain weight, so that we could go. Now that he is home, I just want to slow time down and keep him tiny forever. Thanks for sharing your experience. We don't head to preschool until November, but it is nice to know I am not alone in feeling bittersweet about it. And - Elias looks so much like you in that picture - you have the same smile.

[moreena]

A great, big, warm congratulations. I'm so glad he feels so comfortable and confident that he has taken this big step with such ease. He's such a lovely child.

[Becci]

Wow, it sounds like he had a really good time and that the teachers are going to be great. It must be hard to let go of him, but what a step for him! Way to go for being a great mommy.

[Kari]

YAY! Sounds like a wonderful success.

[That Girl]

You did it!! I never doubted it.