Why I don't see my son as disabled

It is not because he is so darn handsome, though he is. I know.

And this is not the post where I write about his inner beauty, about the light that everyone seems to notice.

It is not even the one where I write about the inadequacy of words like disabled, special needs, handicapped, crippled or differently-abled to explain my son. Or anyone.

No.

This is the post where I reveal my own biases. A by-product of segregated schools and communities. Not by races but by needs.

As a child I saw these kids load and unload their special bus. The short one. I saw that some of them rode in wheel chairs and some walked with awkward gaits. Other's faces appeared odd. Not the same as mine or my friends who watched from a distance but never walked near enough to understand.

None of these kids attended my classes but they met somewhere else in the school, somewhere I never went, never saw.

(And what I didn't know is that years earlier they--Elias--would have been locked up in an institution, even farther out of sight.)

My friends and I called each other "retard" or retarded" when we did something foolish, or in our eyes, "stupid."   I sometimes walked with my feet turned awkwardly in towards my ankles--the same way my son tries to walk now--and held my arms up, with elbows out, and hands dangling in front of my chest, "Wait for me," I'd cry in a voice that wasn't mine but an echo of this difference that I feared.

A difference that made us giggle in a way that wasn't silly but more self-conscious and uncertain. 

And yes, cruel-- though we didn't mean to be. We just didn't know.

I was the girl I am afraid for Elias to meet.

(I wrote about this already, before I started this blog, before Elias's diagnosis of CP, for a Club Mom "Story From the Heart" and I'll link to it here --but I feel like we've traveled so far from then...)

The reason why I do not see my son as disabled is because he does not embody the images my subconscious still holds of these kids as "helpless", "inferior", "incapable", "stupid", "pitiful" and not quite as human as my friends and I who ran so easily past.

And despite the shame in those words, I need to write them.

For now I know that every single one of those children was somebody's baby.

Somebody's Elias.

Elias starts pre-school on Monday--(with a fabulous teacher by the way)-- and though I'm choosing to drive him for now, so I can get to know his teachers, therapists, classmates, and school even better, he is eligible to ride that short bus.

And someday he will.

He will sit with all kinds of children who are not so different after all. Not so scary. And nothing like the false images I slowly weed.

With help from little sticky hands that wave real big.

Comments

[Sara]

Have an excellent first day at pre-school Elias! And mom, you'll spend every minute missing him and thinking about him - which will probably always be true but bigger in these first few days.

The history of education of kids with different needs is pretty scary. By *law* kids were sent "away" - with the rationale that they distracted and disturbed the education of typical kids. While there's a long way to go yet in combating all the wrongs, we have also come a long way...

[jeanie]

Hey, good luck on the big journey starting today!!!!

We can all beat ourselves up about things we did when times were different, our lives were different, our attitudes were not as knowledgeable.

But do you know what? You are making that difference now, by making it real and understandable and putting a face and a name and an attitude out there for plebs like me who don't have the face to face interactions with the Elias's of the world to be more knowledgeable so that his and my daughter's will be less blinded by the attitudes and segregations of ignorance.

[Natalie]

Being a parent is so humbling! In more ways than I could have ever dreamed. Who knew were life would take us when we were 10, 11, 12 years old? Who knows where we will be in 10, 15, 20 years and how much smarter and more humble we'll be then!?

I'll be thinking about you tomorrow--the big day, for both of you. Elias will have a blast!

Natalie

[Glyn]

Good luck to both of you tomorrow! I know it'll be strange, and a hard adjustment, but you'll get through it, and you'll see how he thrives with his teacher as he did with his therapists before. It took me awhile (some may say I still have occasional issues =)) letting go, but seeing him in this environment and knowing he's learning even when I'm not around has helped. I know we're still in day care, and not in pre-school officially yet, but it's not with me, and that's the big part!

Find things to keep you busy tomorrow so the time passes easily, not so fast you don't miss him, because that's ok. =)

Have a great Monday to all three of you!

From all 3 of us. =)

[amy]

We will be sending you all of our good thoughts and hoping that everyone has a great first day.

I hope that the first day was fabulous. We have a two more weeks before R's first day.

great post - made me think.

[Deidre]

I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for a first day at pre-school update!

[Christy]

Thanks Jeanie, if I truly carried the shame for all my past actions I'd never be able to walk anywhere...

And gosh Natalie, is parenting ever humbling!!!!

[Christine]

This is a beautiful post. And there isn't anything wrong with shame if it helps you grow in life. You are right- those children that you teased were the love and light of their parents life like your son is of your life. The fact that you understand that now and care deeply that you felt that way is beautiful and extremely admirable. Christine