(For the next week while I'm away from the computer enjoying the wilderness that is Alaska, I'll be sharing posts that led to the miracle baby boy we call Elias. I'll be writing live again on August 1st. Until then please enjoy these glimpses into the past few years.)
May 5, 2005: This whole motherhood thing is truly mind expanding, sleep depriving, life
changing, and never ending.
With my senior center class this morning we wrote
and spoke about motherhood in honor of Mother's Day. One woman wrote about,
"The loving, scolding, molding, voice," of her mother that she can
still hear though her mother has been dead for fifty years. What a great line:
The loving, scolding, molding, voice. I believe she can hear her mother
perfectly; just as she can always see her full grown children as babies.
In 2002, I made a list of 100
things I wanted to do before I die. The first item on the list was marry Nick.
(Check that one). The second line read: Have healthy children. Re-reading my
list last month I thought it was odd that I added the descriptive word, healthy, that it was such an important
aspect.
But it was back then, before I knew that love wasn’t measured by five
star physicals, IQ tests, or ten
fingers and ten toes. I can remember thinking
there could be nothing worse than having an unhealthy baby or a child that was
not "normal." What did I know?
At the time, Elias was two days old and weighed about a pound and a half. I hadn't held him; you could hardly see him beneath the tubes and tape; and I wasn’t really sure who the red wrinkled baby was in the incubator. I couldn’t fully grasp that he was the same imagined baby I read and sang to while he lay safely inside me.
(My entire time on bed rest I still pictured a perfectly healthy baby emerging at the end.)
And I now realize there is no decision or time
for pity. It is just who you become, who we become. Our family. Our life. And in a strange difficult way it is easy.
Doors open that you never would have walked through otherwise and there is
magic on the other side.
if I were to choose a new descriptive word
today, I would write: Have happy children.
I've been enjoying reading your posts while you've been on vacation. Hope you had a great break! Thanks for sharing your story with us -- it's full of love.
Posted by: CreativeMaMd | July 31, 2006 at 01:27 AM
Fantastic, full of fun photos. They speak volumes.
Posted by: Zanna | July 31, 2006 at 05:01 AM
Beautiful, beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and for taking the time to leave us such wonderful posts to enjoy during your vacation!
Posted by: Jess | July 31, 2006 at 07:46 AM
What a beautiful picture. I have actually come back here 3 times just because that picture of the two of you laughing makes me smile.
Posted by: Lori | July 31, 2006 at 07:50 AM
Oh Christy, what a beautiful, beautiful post. What a phenomenal writer you are. Yes, I would take disabled and alive any day, but you don't know that until you're there. I lost my second child at full-term because of an umbilical cord accident, and I would give anything to have him back any way I could get him.
The line you wrote, "It is just who you become, who we become." Yes. It is. This post really got me today. Thank you.
Posted by: Ginny | July 31, 2006 at 09:40 AM
This really touched me deeply - as we have had to make that decision once again two weeks ago. And we've realized that life is more important than being whole or healthy.
Initially, during his NICU stay, I just prayed that our son would be able to experience our love for him. It is now clear to us that he can. I must admit that I'm getting greedy and I ask for MORE and MORE for him and his quality of life.
But the bottom line is that nothing would be possible without Life.
Alive and happy. Amen
Posted by: Ellie | August 10, 2006 at 02:43 AM