Part I
Will they think he's a baby because he crawls? Will his walker and braces scare them? When Elias doesn't look into their eyes will they lose interest in him? Will they understand what he does and does not see? Will they grow impatient with his pauses, with his processing delay? Will they understand what he says or become frustrated when his words don't make sense or when he doesn't engage in conversation? Will he be excluded from their games? Will they laugh at him? Will they point and stare?
Will he know he is different and that different is not always "OK"?
Part II
I’m crying by the second page but I keep reading the book aloud. It’s called "Nick Joins In", by Joe Lasker, about a boy in a wheel chair who prepares to go to school for the first time and wonders if the other kids will like him.
Elias loses interest in the book and squirms from my lap to explore the basement, where I sit in the rocking chair that use to be in his room before we rearranged it to make more space for playing.
I stay in the rocking chair and keep reading. Elias pulls playing cards out of the deck. The teacher in the book lets the other kids ask the boy questions. Why are you in a chair? Why do you wear braces? Why can’t you walk? My voice breaks and I heave as I read but I can’t stop. Can’t stop reading it aloud. Can’t stop crying. Not little tears but full body sobs.
I read more. I wonder why the teacher doesn’t let the boy ask the other kids questions when they are through interrogating him. It’s only fair. And everything in my book needs to be fair. But as I turn the pages the author tells me the boy likes school and that all the kids grow comfortable with each other. And this too makes me cry.
“Mama’s just a little sad,” I tell Elias between sobs and he repeats my words. Mama a yittle ad. “Mommy’s crying.” Mommy cying.
I keep reading. Keep crying.
Elias just smiles and cruises from the desk to the bookshelf. The bookshelf to the desk. The desk to the chair. Exploring his surroundings.
He doesn’t know what makes mama sad. And he’s too busy to be burdened by my tears. He jut thinks I'm funny.
And the funny thing is, when I let myself fully grieve, feel all the heavy pieces, then the final picture has more light. And I don't feel so sad.
Part III
After a car key mishap this morning, we arrive at preschool 40 minutes late. Ms Robin stands by the door as the kids form a line to walk to the library.
"Who wants to walk with Elias?" she asks as I hang his coat up in the cubby.
A chorus of "meeee's" responds as hands race to be the tallest.
Not every kid wants to trail behind the others, next to the smallest one who often just stands in the middle of the hallway with his walker, smiling and looking around, but the enthusiasm of those who do makes the frustrations of my botched morning disappear.
Their upraised arms and eager faces contradict my deepest fears. How can I not smile as I walk outside into the chill February air?
Have you read/seen Nathan's Wish yet??
http://www.amazon.com/Nathans-Wish-Story-About-Cerebral/dp/0807571016/sr=8-1/qid=1172541268/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1/102-0677972-3312918?ie=UTF8&s=books
It's totally really really fabulous. Toby adores it. It has a character with CP, but it's not pedantic, and it addresses some of the struggle while still ending on a note of "hope" and "gee, that's what everyone wants". He shared it with his class too - and it was a great way to have the kids start asking some questions (and get some answers). While just being a great story ;)
I haven't seen Nick Joins In - but some of the books out there are not so engaging for kids - precisely b/c they're designed to be teaching tools - not good stories.
Which is no guarantee that Elias will like it ROFL - it's probably better for slightly older kiddos.
Posted by: Sara | February 26, 2007 at 03:57 PM
I'm so glad Elias is doing well at playschool and that the other kids have accepted him into their circle.
This weekend we took the two boys to a park and there were only two other (older) boys there. I felt extremely uncomfortable when I saw them staring and staring at Loren. They left to play elsewhere and I was surprised to also see them staring at Marco and some other kids who had subsequently arrived. Then I overheard them talking and realized that they are foreigners. All South African children must probably seem different to them....
Posted by: Nelba | February 26, 2007 at 10:45 PM
Beautiful, thank you for sharing. I appreciate the examples of caring that you share from Elias' new friends at school. There is a child in my 5 year olds class who is severely hearing impaired, and a child who is insulin dependent diabetic. The class has had discussions about these health issues and how to be positive and helpful in a good way, and during this discussion my daughter (no major health concerns) piped up, "my Mommy had heart surgery". At first I was upset she just blurted that out, but then realized that to her, her classmates challenges are just like any other thing that comes up in her life -- doable, conquerable. I certainly hope that Elias continues to enjoy his preschool and continues to be appreciated by his friends.
Posted by: JenniferB | February 27, 2007 at 03:51 AM
Thanks for sharing what so many people leave out or gloss over - that it is okay to grieve, that you have to grieve in order to move on. Thanks so much for being willing to share your story. I hope Elias had a great time at the library.
Posted by: amy | February 27, 2007 at 05:04 AM
Oh Christy! Beautiful.
I'm so glad that the children love Elias. How could they NOT love him, honestly?? But I know that it does your heart a world of good to see it with your own two eyes.
Posted by: Kyla | February 27, 2007 at 11:40 AM
Hi Christy,
Delurking to say that I loved this post so much. I don't have children but I used to be an Inclusion Services counselor at the YMCA, and it was my duty to make sure the special needs children were participating, treated fairly, etc. Let me tell you, I barely had a job to do at all. The normal needs kids absolutely enveloped the few kids with "wheels" and odd tics with affection and attention, as if they knew those individuals needed what they had to offer. They were never condescending and regularly pushed me out of the way to help the kids eat lunch, play with their hair, whatever. There is hope. And it sounds/looks like Elias is one charming little firecracker - I betcha he won't have any problems, just a whole lotta love.
Posted by: gabby | February 27, 2007 at 12:08 PM
Thank you all for sharing your stories and honoring ours. I woke up this morning with a bad cold and so my grump-factor was a bit high but reading your little glimpses of light makes the day so much better.
And Gabby, thanks for taking a moment to write for the first time--I'm so glad the little kids did your job for you:)
Sara, the book I mentioned I loaned from our PT and it was published in 1980 so inclusion was still pretty new. Its a good story but a bit too advanced for Elias who still likes rhythm and rhyme and only a few words per page. I look forward to getting Nathan's Wish even if it will just be me reading it to me for awhile.
Posted by: Christy | February 27, 2007 at 04:15 PM
Hi Christy-
Kids are great! (BTW, my daughter announced to everyone that she met that I had surgery for 3 months after I had it.) When kids ask questions, point, or stare, it is how we (the adults) handle their curiosity that molds their behavior. Elias will learn to deal with others' curiosity by the grace with which you handle it (and you do a beautiful job). The other children will learn acceptance by the examples they see from the teachers, their parents, and others in their lives. And also from you.
Posted by: Heather | February 27, 2007 at 07:59 PM
Christy,
Thank you for writing this. For reminding us that it's OK to grieve in front of our children. I forget this so often myself.
I wrote you a long comment on the shoe entry, which was eaten by Typepad on one of its grumpy days. Just wanted to let you know, and to write this in as a good luck talisman for this comment to get through.
Here's hoping (for lots more than just a comment to post).
Posted by: moreena | February 28, 2007 at 05:31 AM
So I guess kids are just much cooler than adults. More laid-back, more accepting. How sad that you have to become an adult before you figure that out!
Posted by: Sonja | February 28, 2007 at 07:11 AM
Well, you made me cry too.
I've had the opportunity to watch the local HS graduation for a number of years now. It's a small enough town that everyone knows who the special needs kids are. When their names are called to get their diplomas, the cheers are the loudest from both the classmates and their parents. This makes so much more sense than when we were in HS and the regular ed kids were never taught how to interact with the special needs kids.
And now as adults we're stuck not knowing what to say, when to help, when to stand back.
How things have changed.
Posted by: Lisse | March 01, 2007 at 04:41 AM