Um

Do you ever find yourself staring at a blank screen with so much to say that you can't start?

Or do you halter start? Write and delete. Write and delete. No that's not quite it. Not really what i mean. not right. start again. Or do you find yourself wondering why you're even writing in the first place? I mean what was so important that you just had to say it? And who are you talking to anyways?

Every English teacher will tell you that you need to know your audience in order to frame your words, but what if the main person you write for was cut from your own belly and so you write to discover where you end and he begins?

You write to understand. You write to remember. And you write to hold hands in the dark with people who get it. And so your audience grows and you find yourself writing to more than your son but to people who, whether they are parents or not, understand that unconditional love does not mean constant lullabies but also the muffled sound of sobs in a pillow late at night. It means the earth opens and swallows you whole but you do not break. It means gently restraining a squirming little boy who wants to put his hands in his dirty diaper.  It means forgetting to eat yourself while trying to get that little mouth to take another bite. It means waking up at 2:00 am to bring a squirming bundle into bed. It means fear. It means the loss of fear.

It means the permanent loss of the false sense of freedom and independence that this country wears like a sword. And the revelation that there is no island.

No on your own.

So you write.

Comments

[bon]

you know, you're one of the few people out there who consistently leaves me wordless. in such a good way...connected to the deep and sometimes painful beauty of this parenting thing.

"where you end and he begins..." - i like that. i never thought of it that way, but i think it's true for me too. as good a reason as any.

you've made me shivery.

[Kyla]

It happens to me all the time, but I rarely do something this beautiful with it.

[the mad momma]

i am always left speechless by the way you write... you speak for so many of us...

[JenniferB]

I am so grateful that you write the words I cannot express. The words I am afraid to say out loud. The words that make me so happy to be alive. Never stop.

[Catherine]

I used to say that I wanted my life to be messy and complicated...now it is.

[Tracy]

sigh...

wish I could write like you. but I'll keep reading because there is a chord that is also deep in my life.

[Glyn]

This is exactly why I don't comment as much as I'd like. I want to, but then I don't know what to say or it seems like it won't even compare! I love your words!

[emily]

"It means the permanent loss of the false sense of freedom and independence that this country wears like a sword. And the revelation that there is no island."

You managed to put into words something that I have felt often, but never attempted to express. Thank you for that.

[Christy]

you all make me want to keep writing... even on days like today when my bed is calling and if i could I would climb in it and not return for days.

Unfortunately today I have to write a paper on career counseling instead of exploring my heart and mind here.

Your words help in so many ways. Thanks, Christy

[Ginny]

Your words help too, Christy. Thank you.